My Story

When I was younger, all the girls in school looked better then me, smarter than me, did everything better than me, I thought. All the women in fashion magazines were all beautiful, skinny looked like they had it all together. I wanted to emulate them. I thought that was what I was supposed to look like, be like, act like.

Why could I just look like someone else? Why could I not be someone else? Why can’t I just look like the people in magazines, on TV, in the movies? These questions flooded my mind constantly over and over.

I came from a home that didn’t have a lot of love in it. I was constantly told I was doing everything good enough. If I did this, I would be so much more successful, if I did it this way, I could be going so much farther, that I eventually believed it and repeated that in my head over and over.  I also believed my body wasn’t perfect and it needed to be like everyone else. I tried everything to look and feel different. I was also in the closet for being gay and didn’t have any stable, supporting outlets to turn to, being I live in a religious household. I was also highly intuitive, empathic and was able to see others that had crossed over. Having those gifts (which I didn’t see them that way at the time) was an even bigger no no, being in that religious household.

I struggled not only with my gifts, also with emotional eating, anorexia, bulimia, perfectionism, people pleaser, doortmat to everyone. I would shove multiple diet pills down my mouth. I would wear rubber bands on my wrists and would snap them every time I reached for food. I would eat and eat and then take laxatives to get it all out.

I also tried every diet pill, every diet fad there was. You name it, I tried it. Some would work and some wouldn’t. The fix was always temporary. The weight would come back and then some.